Lester Santos: The Man The Mystery The Legend
by Alfonsina.d
Summary: Mostly composed with Bluzkat. A series of one-shots of how Lester got to be who he is. Lester's Bedtime Stories
1. How to Get Any Woman You Want Book Jacke

This is dedicated to Jeanne. She inspired me when she had the nerve (can you imagine) to call me a tease (really).

Jeanne, baby, Lester sends his love and says that you are his dream girl and he is waiting for you to make all of his dreams come true.

Bluz, this wouldn't have been considered without you.

**How to Get Any Woman You Want**

**By Lester G. Santos**

**Co written by Alfonsina del Mar with special contributions by Bluzkat**

**Distributed by Alfkat Productions**

**Published by Erin Enterprises, LLC**

**The Outside of the Book Jacket reads:**

_**I was born with natural good looks, suave and debonair. I have never met a woman that I couldn't talk into just about anything.**_

_**This book will teach you the art of:**_

 Flirting

 Teasing

 Tantalizing

 Taking things Slow

 Building Anticipation

 Tormenting (in a good way)

_**This book will teach you why:**_

 Chocolate is not just for breakfast anymore

 Panties should never be worn on a date (and how to convince her of that)

 Find out the benefits of having a wide variety of flavored condoms on hand

 Drinking wine to conserve water leads to more conservation of water

 Women _**may**_ laugh at cheesy pick up lines, but they're still talking to you and talking _**can**_ lead to bigger (and I do mean BIGGER) and better things

And most importantly

 Closing the deal.

If you follow my easy instructions, you'll get her to say "_Mmmmm that's so good_" by morning.

Happy Hunting,

Les


	2. Late Breaking News: The Seminar

Not owning anything but Renting Lester for a 'reasonable hourly rate'

**How to Attract Women Like Bees to Honey: The Seminar  
****By Lester G. Santos  
Written by Bluzkat after being forced into it by Alfonsina  
Distributed by Alfkat Productions  
Published by Erin Enterprises, LLC**

Late Breaking News

"Chris Matthews here with this late breaking story about a riot in downtown Trenton, New Jersey.'

'At 4:00 this afternoon, East coast time, a riot broke out at an office building on Haywood Street. Thousands of women began stampeding the building, beating at the door with their 4-inch stillettos. Shouting curses that no proper Burg girl should know, much less utter. The assault came shortly after the announcement that no further applications were being taken for the popular seminar, "**How To Attract Women Like Bees to Honey**"…or as it has come to be known, _Santos' Honeys_.'

'Just moments ago, Trenton's own Bombshell Bountyhunter arrived and began throwing something into the crowd, and they seem to be settling down a bit.'

'Miss. Plum? Miss. Plum, can you explain how you managed to calm the crowd?"

With an eye roll every Jersey girl would be proud of, Steph responded, "Chris, it was getting nasty over there. Innocent shoes were suffering. Manicures were being ruined. I couldn't standby and watch this madness continue."

"I noticed you were throwing something into the crowd. What was it? Something to bring them comfort? Perhaps autographed copies of Mr. Santos' book?"

"Books?" Another eye roll. She was going to give herself a head injury if this continued. "Chris, you're not from around here are you? I was throwing them packets of Tastykakes, because everyone knows that when you're feeling down nothing can cheer you up like a Krimpet." 

From somewhere in the back of the crowd a woman shouted, "Damn Skippy!"

1

\/p> 


	3. Seminar Brochure initial

Making no money but having one heck of a good time hanging with our boy, Lester.

This is dedicated to Bluz, Dee and Jeanne. You inspired the Lester in me, what can I say?

Bluz, Lester has your 'winning ticket' but he said there was no lottery about it; with him you are a winner! Dee, Lester wants to make you dream of no one but him … Jeanne, Les will contribute to your vacation fund if you let all of his dreams come true (and there are a lot of them – I'd charge by the dream).

Here is the brochure for the seminar, first in a series.

You've been waiting for it and now it is finally here!

**How to Attract Women Like Bees to Honey**

Presented by Lester Santos

Drinks provided Alfonsina del Mar

Encouragement of other forms provided by BluzKat

Produced by Erin Enterprises, LLC

The recent success of Lester's book 'How to Get Any Woman You Want', has spurred him on to additional ventures.

Because so many men have so little time with real live women, opposed to the blow up variety, Lester has decided, out of the goodness of his own heart, to create a seminar just for them. '**How To Attract Women Like Bees to Honey'** is a traveling seminar sponsored by the makers of the Butterscotch Krimpet , whose motto_** "**__Don't forget that when you are feeling down, nothing can cheer you up like a Krimpet"_will be fully explored. 

The seminar presented by Mr. Santos. Mr. Santos is convinced that at the rock bottom price of only $1995.99 per man, there can be no better investment you can make in your lives.

Women may also attend the price of $7500.00 each and MUST prove certain talents to him, either by live demonstration or by video which will be come the sole property of Mr. Santos. The talents are up to the discretion of Mr. Santos.

Date and time of seminar to be announced on an upcoming e-mail.


	4. Initial Press Coverage

Press Coverage

Press Coverage

The press coverage of Lester's seminar, "How To Attract Women Like Bees to Honey," was mixed. The men who attended swore that Lester is a man of the earth. Altruism personified. A male Mother Theresa in his concern for the good of womankind. The women were split around the seminar entrance requirements. Those waiting in line, outside what Lester liked to call the "testing facility," grumbled about the paperwork and the long wait. Those exiting the facility were glassy eyed, smiling and muttering, "Mmmmm, that's so GOOD." 


	5. Lester's Prime Time Interview Part 1

Amanda (RWW)

Amanda (RWW)

The characters aren't mine. I'm not making any money. 

**Lester's Prime Time Interview**

Good evening America. Welcome to the _News_ _You Need to Know_. I'm your host Kiki McPherson. We're here tonight with ladies' man and expert, in the ever controversial, area of pleasing women, Lester Santos. Lester has written the recent popular book "How to Get Any Woman You Want," and he has been speaking about the knowledge that his book teaches in his seminar series titled "How to Attract Women like Bees to Honey" all over the country sharing his knowledge with men and some very lucky women. His work has been highly acclaimed by noted sex therapists, marriage counselors, and professionals in the sex industry. Many who have attended his workshops themselves, and many who are women, so they have a great understanding of the subject.

**Kiki: **It is a very interesting and stimulating occupation you're in, Lester.

**Lester**: its nice work if you can get, and I have.

**Kiki**: Lester, tell us how you came to gain your invaluable knowledge and spread it to the needy throughout the land?

**Lester**: Well, Kiki. I was really just blessed with a natural talent and an innate understanding of women and how to please them. I've also been fortunate enough to have had the opportunity to gain knowledge through experience, and I am a firm believer that experience is needed to hone and perfect any skill. Even if you are someone who is born with a natural ability, experience is essential. 

**Kiki**: And the techniques that you teach? Were they developed through scientific research?

**Lester**: Oh, absolutely. The methods I teach were developed over 10 plus years of research in many countries on several continents. They have been perfected over many trails. There is one opportunity; I'll share with you, which the interest in the book and seminars has given me that I'm exceedingly excited about. I have been able to continue my research to work on developing new techniques and methods. The ladies that have participated in the seminars have helped me to gain new perspective and insight. Now they're saying much more than "mmm, it's so good." 

I've also had the opportunity to work with couples as a result of the seminars. That is something that I've done before, but it's really led to breakthroughs recently, both for the couples as well as for my work. If we are able to continue this I feel that we will be able to reach new heights, do things that we've never been able to do before, and never again will you hear from a woman "when you're feeling down nothing can cheer you up like a Krimpet." A Krimpet just won't do it anymore after they get a taste of what can really cheer them up.

**Kiki**: Lester, as you know, I attended one of your seminars in preparation for this interview. giggle I found your instruction very educational. You mentioned that you work with couples. Do you ever do one on one sessions with the men that attend your seminar?

**Lester**: Well Kiki I don't. I feel that the men that need the personal sessions need a visual example and practical experience. I encourage them to bring their wives and girl friends. If they do not have someone they can bring I do have access to a group of women who have the experience that is needed to help them reach they're goals. These arrangements do need to be made ahead of time. The ladies provide their service as a favor to me. They have very demanding careers in literature and are often needed 24/7. So we try to give them plenty of notice.

**Kiki**: Can you tell us some more about the techniques or tools that you use?

**Lester**: I wouldn't want to give away the secrets. Everyone will just have to come to a seminar if they want to gain the knowledge. Some of the techniques can be very risky if attempted by those who have not been trained.

**Kiki**: Lester, tell us a little about your back ground.

**Lester**: My training is in the area of defense and protection. This was a very rich environment for my research. Not only my own, but I was able to observe other men who have talents similar to my own. I tried to recruit many of them so that more men and primarily women could be helped. Their drive remains in the area of our training though.

**Kiki**: And your passion? What is your passion?

**Lester**: Ah, my passion. My passion is to make this world a better place. The women of this country, the college students, waitresses, mothers, teachers, women in business, lawyers, doctors, they all need something most of them haven't been getting. I want to make sure their getting it. I want the men to realize if they give it to them they'll get what they want.

**Kiki**: You give and you give. Lester, who takes care of you? Of your needs?

**Lester**: Kiki, I get such fulfillment doing the work that I have been called to do. Meeting the needs of those women that have been put across my path that is what meets my needs.

**Kiki**: Well, Lester, we've run out of time, and we've only just scratched the surface. I hope that I will have another opportunity to delve into things with you again sometime.

**Lester**: Just schedule another private session, Kiki, or perhaps I can talk one of my colleges into freelancing and doing a private consultation for you so that you can get some more first hand knowledge of the research and techniques.

**Kiki**: Well, there you have it folks the reason I'm able to have this ridiculously cheesy smile on my face. Thank you, Lester Santos, the man with the magic fingers. This has been Kinky; I mean Kiki McPherson for the News You Need to Know, hoping that your man and mine would go back to school and learn some new tricks. Good night.


	6. Lester's Primte Time Interview Part 2

Amanda (RWW)

The characters aren't mine, though Lester thinks he belongs to us all. This is a continuation of Amanda's Prime Time Interview of Lester. She played with Bluzkat and me, so I'm returning the favor.

**Lester's Prime Time Interview  
The Continuation  
Produced by Alfonsina of AlfKat Productions  
a wholly owned subsidiary of Erin Enterprises**

**Kiki: **Good evening America. Welcome to back the News You Need to Know. I'm your host Kinki McPherson. Kiki. _KIKI_. I'm _Kiki_ McPherson. Sorry about that. We've asked Mr. Santos to stay over. I mean, we've asked him for an extension. Oh shit, I mean we've asked for a little more of his time.

As you know, Lester Santos has written the wildly popular best selling book "_How to Get Any Woman You Want_," and he has been speaking about the knowledge that his book teaches in his seminar series titled "_How to Attract Women like Bees to Honey_" all over the country.

Lester, you've already described to us some of how you came to gain your invaluable knowledge and spread it to the needy throughout the land, but will you tell us again?

**Lester**: Well, Kiki. From a very early age, I've just simply attracted women. I played doctor with not just one of the neighborhood girls, but all of them. We had a playhouse in the backyard and I would put up a sign on a tree in the front announcing 'clinic' days and the girls would line up down the street to play doctor with me. That was how it all began.

**Kiki**: And about the techniques that you teach, is there one you can share with our viewers today? 

**Lester**: Oh, absolutely. The first thing everyone needs to be able to do is to approach the target, I mean the person of interest. Start by getting comfortable talking to everyone, anywhere any time. You never know who you will meet, plus it gives you a risk free place to develop your skills. Skill development is essential.

**Kiki**: Lester, Shrapnel was named for an Englishman. Don't you wish you could have something named after you??

**Lester**: Well Kiki I do and I don't. I am currently developing my own product line with the good people at Trojan. Lester's Lickable and Lucious Spray On Condoms in about six flavors with coordinating flavored oils. The problem is I will loose all anonymity when I do that.

**Kiki**: I think you've already lost your anonymity.

**Lester: **Well, you're probably right about that.

**Kiki:** Can you tell us more about these Lickable and Lucious Spray On Condoms?

**Lester:** Well, like I said, they are in the development stages right now. But we are looking for volunteer quality control testers.

**Kiki**: What will the quality control people be testing exactly?

**Lester:** They will be testing the ease of the spray, the flavor and whether or not they feel the experience is 'finger licking good'.

**Kiki**: I assume you have already tested them for viability as birth control.

**Lester**: You might say that.

**Kiki: **Are you looking for men or women to do the quality control work?

**Lester:** Right now we are working with women in quality control.

**Kiki:** What about men?

**Lester:** Our initial marketing push is toward women. We want to see how they respond to the product, flavor and textures. Once we've conquered the female market, we eventually have plans to branch out.

**Kiki**: Lester, has your back ground been beneficial in this endeavor?

**Lester**: Definitely, my training in defense and protection has kept me safe at the entrances in to my own seminars and book signings, not to mention various Ladies' Nights around town and around the world. 

**Kiki:** Well folks, that's really about all the time we have tonight with Lester Santos. Thank you for coming Lester.

**Lester:** I look forward to saying the same to you soon. Thank you and good night.


	7. Alfkat Product Testing

AlfKat Testing Labs

**AlfKat Testing Labs**

**  
**"You want to turn WHAT green?"

"Man up, Tank! You're the one who wanted to be a tester for my new condoms."

"Yeah, you never said nothin' about them being colored. Failure to disclose can get someone killed, soldier."

"Hey, let's not forget that they're flavored, too."

"But they're fluorescent."

Waggling his eyebrows, Lester smirked, "No chance of getting lost in the dark."

"What're you implying, Santos? There is NO chance of me getting lost in the dark."

"Nothing. Not implying a thing. Look at it this way, you'll match Lula."

"Yeah, we're gettin' together later. She told me that she went all out for St Patty's Day in head-to-toe lime green."

"See, lime green. Just like they taste."

Tank cocked an eyebrow. "Do I wanna know how you know that?"

Hands raised outward, Lester took a step back. "Just reporting what the ladies tell me."


	8. Special Book and Seminar Excerpts

How to Get Any Woman You Want

**How to Get Any Woman You Want/How to Attract Bees Like Honey  
Special Book and Seminar Excerpt  
**

**Created By Lester G. Santos  
Co written by Alfonsina del Mar with Special Contributions by Bluzkat  
Distributed by AlfKat Productions, Limited  
Published by Erin Enterprises, LLC**

_**How to Get Any Woman You Want  
By Lester G. Santos**_

_**Table of Contents**_

**Fundamental Techniques in Handling People**

Don't criticize, condemn or complain.

If you are interested in the use of a _more favorable technique_ or _more variety_, praise past performance and depending on the skill level or difficulty involved, demonstrate a little at a time what you would like to see happening.

Give honest and sincere appreciation.

Remember that when she makes you dinner, she is putting herself out there for you. She may not be the best cook and it may not even know what the kitchen looks like, but her effort is what is important.

People perform better if they think they do and performance improves with praise.

Arouse in the other person an eager want.

Enough said.

**Four ways to make people like you**

Become genuinely interested in other people.

By being interested in someone else, you open a wide variety of conversational topics. People can and will ultimately tell you what makes them tick.

Smile.

It is easier to talk to someone who is smiling than someone who is frowning. Remember, the first step is to get the lady to know you; this is the easiest way to improve your odds.

Smiling also makes people wonder what you've been up to.

Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

Alright, it is the sweetest word to someone else. I can personally think of much sweeter _sounds_.

It is simple to come up with little 'pet' names, but at some point you will need to call her by the right name. Use it from time to time, it will help you remember what it is at the critical moment (any critical moment).

Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.

Sincerity is key. Gentlemen, fake sincerity until it becomes natural to you; it will over time. Again make her feel important; that she is the focus of your attentions. As soon as she spots you as a fake, you won't be able to kiss her good-bye or good night; you'll be out the door.

**Win people to your way of thinking**

Begin in a friendly way.

Friendly is always better; it is easier and much more approachable. You always want to be approachable, unless you are already with another woman.

Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.

The more things she says "yes, yes" to the easier it will be to keep her thinking along that line. Trust me, yes, trust me.

Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.

You have more important things to do than talk. You can let her know you have her undivided attentions without ever saying a word. You can touch. You can smile. Her end of the conversation will also let you know whether or not you want to continue to pursue her.

Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.

She will be less likely to argue and more likely to play along if she thinks it is all her idea. It makes the morning after so much easier for you.

Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.

Seeing it from her point of view makes you credible in her eyes, it also gives you a way to explain to her why you have mirrors on the ceiling.

Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.

The better you can sympathize or empathize with her ideas and desires, and remember to make hers come first, the better chance you have of having your desires fulfilled.

Throw down a challenge.

Some women just can't resist a challenge.

**Fundamentals You Should Know About Worry**

If she is afraid of making too much noise, install a second layer of drywall in the bedroom to prevent the sound from 'escaping'

If she is afraid of unwanted pregnancy, go with her to the doctor/pharmacist for scripts

Obtain new condoms, my own line of Never Slip, Nearly Naughty, Nice 'n Skin Tight Flavored condoms bring a whole new level of confidence

**A Magic Formula for Solving Worry Situations**

Ask her what might worry her so you can alleviate problems in advance – eliminate as many problems as you can in advance

Offer to sleep over to avoid additional expense of the babysitter

Offer to leave early so the kids won't find out you've been there

**Co-operate with the inevitable**

The words "lie back and relax" can be especially useful at times like these

"Go with the flow" can have a more meaningful meaning, be careful which one is in play at the time you are making your play

"Don't fight the feeling" can bring up new feelings for all concerned

**Six words that can transform your life**

"What can I do to help?"

You make her life better and she'll …, well you get the idea

**Find Yourself – Be yourself – Remember there is No one else on earth like you**

There are some things that should be said in the privacy of your own bathroom with no witnesses … but these are good things to review before you head out hunting for the night!

**If you have a lemon, make lemonade**

Don't make this into 'you have sex, so make a baby' – it can cramp your style and your life-style; always be a Boy Scout and be prepared!

**Banish Boredom**

There are times to let your imagination run wild and times to run wild with your imagination; decide what you want and what she's up for!

**Motivating people**

Find out what she likes, in detail and try to give her that as much as your endurance will allow; then she might be motivated to give you what you really want over and over and over again.

**Seeing things from the other person's point of view**

Enough good can't be said about mirrored ceilings, until you become old, then you may not want to look. If you decide you still want to look as you age, you may not want to have the 'magnification' mirrors you might have used in your youth – too much of a good thing might be showing.

**Respecting the dignity of others**

Do nothing that will humiliate her or reduce her dignity; unless she's into that kind of a thing. If she is, have her sign a waiver that it is OK to take pictures and video your performance together.

**Recognition rewards and praise**

See the section on motivation.

**Handling mistakes, complaints and criticism**

Don't look at is a negative, look at these things as lessons you won't have to re-learn the next time.

A woman who is willing to evaluate your performance can help elevate your game the next time around, and maybe you can elevate hers after.

**Setting goals**

How many orgasms are enough for you?

How many orgasms are enough for her?

Are you in physical condition to help her achieve as many orgasms as she wants, if not, this might be a good time to start going back to the gym.

Do you have enough condoms, lotions, creams and/or ointments to achieve these aspirations?

**Focus and discipline**

ALWAYS concentrate on the goal – unless she likes discipline, then focus on that too!

**Achieving balance**

Advanced maneuvers will be discussed in the next book

**The power of enthusiasm**

Even a mediocre performance can be elevated with proper enthusiastic responses.

Good performances can be repeated, if so desired, with the use of enthusiasm

**Self confidence through preparation**

**Keeping the audience awake**

If she falls asleep at any point, other than due to exhaustion, you need to massively re-evaluate your techniques, styles and methods

She should be anxious for more and not dozing.

It may not be all your fault, she may have narcolepsy and she may have had a long day at work; before you berate yourself too much, you may want to investigate these additional possibilities.

**Improvement of memory**

Always do your best to remember her name or the pet names you use for her (and others).

If you are truly .lousy with names, you may want to limit your dating pool to women who all have the same name (ex. Maria or Linda) to make it easier on yourself

**The secret of good delivery**

There are many types of delivery, you need to start small, so to speak and build on your skills, all your skills

**Capturing your audience**

The many uses of handcuffs, neck ties, bull whips, shoe strings, yarn, robe sashes and bungee cords, to name but a few

**Make your meaning clear**

"No" always means no in the bedroom – so don't push your self or your luck. Easier to start over than start from a jail cell.

**How to be impressive and convincing**

For me this is a natural born talent, you may have to begin with baby steps.

Inventory your talents, I, myself, do all things in this arena well

What do you enjoy doing?

What can you teach?

What do you feel confident doing (in a group or mixed company)?

Get some mood music going, manscape your body, tackle all your hygiene needs, wear well fitting clothes and 'exude baby exude'!

**Excerpt from the seminar, to illustrate some of the points in book:**

Now, I have a little story to tell you about my older brother Pedro.

When he was in high school he was dating a girl I'll call 'Lucy'. They hadn't been dating for very long at that time.

My mother wanted to get to know Lucy a little better and so Lucy was invited to have dinner with our family one Saturday night. We were all told to be on our best behavior since we weren't supposed to scare Pedro's girlfriend. We were all supposed to use our "company manners" my mother used to call them.

Lucy wanted to impress my mother so she brought something _special_ for us to try. Lucy's parents owned the local health food store. She juiced all kinds of veggies and fruit that made up this horrible looking green concoction. She proudly poured out a sample for each of us to try.

My brother looked at it and immediately said, _"I'm not drinking that - it's green!"_

Lucy immediately burst into tears and excused herself from the room.

My mother gave my brother a long talking to about making people feel comfortable and welcome when they are in your home; especially if it is the first time.

I volunteered to check check on Lucy. She didn't want to deal with Pedro or my mother, she was embarrassed. So I talked to her. I told her how great it was that she had made something special for us, etc. I touched her arm to make sure she was OK, when she looked at me I smiled. I told her that 'I'd be willing to try ANYTHING she'd gone to all the trouble to make for me.' She seemed to like that, a lot.

I got her to talk to me about herself, about anything really. I didn't know why it was important, but when she talked about herself, she relaxed. I didn't have a lot to say to 'an older woman' so I told some corny jokes. What can you expect from a young kid, they were the only jokes I knew. She smiled at the jokes, I smiled at her. She touched my arm when she laughed, I touched back. I was learning from experience and these were valuable lessons.

By the end of the evening, my brother didn't have a girlfriend and I did; pretty impressive when the 17 year old girl wants the 14 year old boy.

And that gentlemen, is how I began to develop and hone my techniques. I took the basics that I am giving you and took them to an elevated level that you too can achieve!

Questions?


	9. Lester, Sisters & E Bunny

Bobby's Ex-girlfriend Support Group and the Easter Bunny

**Bobby's Ex-girlfriend Support Group and the Easter Bunny  
Featuring Lester G. Santos  
As told to Alfonsina and contributions of BluzKat  
Owners of AlfKat Productions  
a wholly owned subsidiary of Erin Enterprises**

"Steph, was it really all that bad?" Bobby asked me after we got home from the Boy Scout camping fiasco. I mean trip, the Boy Scout camping weekend.

"Well, yes and no," I said.

"I'm dating a new girl and I want to know how you reacted to the trip so, this time, it might go better for me with this girl. So tell me, what was the good part about going?" he asked anxiously.

"Well, let me think," I said. For me it had been a weekend of compounded disasters. I hadn't wanted to dwell too much on it.

"Come on, there's got to be something you liked," he said. A whine was developing in his voice.

"Ok, let's see. The food was good, I never realized Lester could cook. Must be a special skill to do it over a fire. I thought the scenery was nice; it was nice to look out on all the trips to get firewood. And of course, the kids were great. You've got some smart kids in your troop," I said.

"And for the bad," he said quietly.

"Do you want my personal hit parade of why it was 'bad' or why it would have been 'bad' for another female?"

"How about in general," he said.

I didn't think he knew too many of the details about the situation that had developed with Hector, and I really didn't want to go into the whole Hector/Ranger thing. I didn't know who he might side with and frankly didn't care.

"Let's see. Is she an experienced camper or is she more like me?" I asked.

"Like you," he said cringing.

"Well, the whole lack of water for a shower thing and lack of power for hair and makeup was a definite minus," I said.

"That one isn't negotiable," he said, "when you actually camp there isn't supposed to be power or running water. Ranger made a concession for you, which is why the toilets worked."

OK.

"What about the lack of Midol in your first aid kit?"

"Already solved. Midol is now in every first aid kit in each vehicle and in the building, along with a very stable form of chocolate that won't melt until high temperatures are reached. It doesn't taste great, but the military uses it and chocolate is chocolate. There's even a selection of 'feminine hygiene' stuff in each rig."

"Good on the Midol and the feminine hygiene stuff. But, military issue chocolate? No. That's not chocolate. Not even if you're desperate. Especially if you're desperate," I said. I myself am a connoisseur of fine milk chocolate provided to the world by the Hershey people.

He thought about it and looked like he was about to argue with me when I interrupted his thought process.

"Bobby," I started, "have you taken any of your girlfriends with you camping?"

"Sure," he said.

"With or without Boy Scouts?" I asked.

"Usually with. Why?" he asked.

"Tell you what. Can I get together with the 'ex's? We can have a meeting of sorts. It might make it easier to get a list of the good and the bad to improve the next trip, from a female point of view," I said with a smile.

I had been wondering how many ex-girlfriends there had been. I'd also wondered whether or not Bobby only put his foot in his mouth around me. This idea could be fun, a lot of fun. I could learn more about Bobby and hopefully improve the camping experience for the next victim, I mean woman.

Bobby was a little afraid that it would turn into a "Bobby Bashing Fest" so he asked me to invite a 'neutral, disinterested, third party'. I didn't know any of those, and I wanted to keep this meeting 'in the family.' Just as I was contemplating who to trap, I mean invite, as a 'neutral' observer, Lester walked by.

"Lester," I called after him, "you're a man of the world. Ooo, and you've been camping with Bobby. Have you ever been on a trip when he brought along a girlfriend?"

"Yeah," Lester answered cautiously.

"And I know what a philanthropist you are. Always looking for ways to help your fellow man."

Lester preened a bit. "Yup, I'm all about the love. Making it. Helping my fellow men to make it. Sharing it. Spreading it. Yep. I'm like God, I love to love." Either yup or yep

"How about helping Bobby make it?"

"**You** **want me to what? ** Steph, I think you misunderstood me. I don't swing that way. There's a lot of that going around, as you know."

"No, I mean help him out with a problem."

Lester looked dubious.

"…a problem with his former girlfriends." I explained the problem.

"I don't know Steph," he said.

"Pleeease?" I was starting to take on Bobby's whine. "It's for the good of your fellow man. For your bud. Your comrade in arms."

Nothing.

"There'll be single, beautiful, vulnerable women there," I said crossing my fingers.

Lester brightened. "Well, it is, as you say, for a brother in arms. How can I not place myself at your disposal? When do you need me?"

XOXOXO

I got the e-mail addresses of the ex-girlfriends and composed an invitation for a two hour meeting.

To:

Heather, Linda, Joan, Billie, Veronica, Paulette, Althea, Elena, Jane, Bonnie, Debbie, Ruth, Edith, Jackie, Jan, Mary, Elizabeth, Sue

From:

Stephanie, aka the Bombshell

Cc:

Ranger Manoso, Bobby Brown, Lester Santos

Subject:

_Are you a Brownie?_

Ladies,

If you were bewitched by Bobby Brown into backpacking in the backwoods only to be baffled when he berated you, called you a bimbo, because you wouldn't bivouac without 100 count bedding? If so, you've earned your merit badge as a Brownie.

Come join me, the Bombshell Bounty Hunter, to bemoan and banter with fellow Brownies. Let us be your balm, your bastion from the blarney that is Bobby Brown.

Meeting time is from 7:00 – 9:00 p.m., next Wednesday evening at Rangeman Headquarters.

I look forward to seeing you then.

I made arrangements to have the meeting the same night as the Boy Scout meeting. I didn't trust Bobby to not try to infiltrate the meeting. I asked Ella to set up a veggie and cheese tray for the ladies. Ranger even let me use one of the conference rooms; he promised we wouldn't be taped or recorded in any way, even if Bobby started whining, again.

I had no clue as to how many women would be interested in coming, how long they'd dated Bobby, or how many actually went camping with him.

When the RSVP came back, only three of the women had actually been camping and were willing to be part of the 'focus' group. The others didn't respond at all. Evidently, Bobby had left a bad taste in their mouths.

XOXOXO

The meeting in the conference room was smaller than I had hoped, but Lester was there so I knew it wasn't going to be dull. When Lester went anywhere, it was never dull, unless he was asleep and then everyone around him seemed to be exhausted.

I actually thought I was the one who was going to run the meeting. Right, like an alpha male was going to let that happen. Lester walked in and took control.

"Ladies, welcome to the first meeting of Bobby's Brownies. You've been invited here by Stephanie on behalf of Bobby. I'm one of Bobby's co-workers, Lester Santos," he said with a smile that could have been on any tooth product advertisement. "You've probably heard of me, already; caught my Kiki's interview. Don't let that intimidate you. I'm just a man; a man intent on understanding your every need, your every desire. I'm here for you. Just for you."

The ladies began to swoon. I quickly realized I was invisible.

I tried to reassert control, to focus their attention on the purpose of the evening. "Ladies, please introduce yourselves." This fell on deaf ears. Evidently, I was mute as well as invisible.

Lester looked from one woman to the next, smiling. "I'd like you each to tell me a little about yourself. Why you are here tonight?" He nodded to the first girl to begin. (or something like that)

"Well, I'm Heather, this is my sister Bonnie and my other sister Jane. We've all dated Bobby, but we didn't realize it at the time. None of us dated him for very long and it all ended right after _**The Camping Trip**_," the perky red head said. You could hear the bold letters, the italics and the capitals as she spoke for the group.

"Sisters?" Lester asked with an even bigger smile.

"Yeah, can't you tell? Sheesh, I mean we all have different hair cuts, but yeah, Bonnie and I are fraternal twins. Heather is one year older," said Jane.

Crap. It looked like Lester had just found a gold mine and I was going to be in for some 'adult' education tonight.

It seemed that the twins met Bobby in separate first aid classes he taught and dated him in sequence. They didn't realize they had both seen the same guy. They lived on separate sides of the city and didn't see each other that often. So, when one of them told her sister that she was 'going to get back to nature' with a guy, she thought it had meant skinny dipping. When the other said she was going to 'get back to nature' she thought her sister was going to restore her blonde hair back to its brunette roots.

The next year, the older and wiser sister, Heather, was a helping a local Girl Scout Troop sell cookies when she met Bobby. Since Heather was redhead and had a different build than her sisters, unless you saw them all together, you'd never match them for family.

It seemed that the girls weren't really all that upset about chaperone the Boy Scouts on the camping weekend, but it had been completely unexpected.

"I really didn't care that there were a bunch of little boys there. I mean, little boys grow into big boys, yah know? Besides, I figured I might learn something," Heather said.

Lester just couldn't resist, "So, what did you learn?"

"I learned never to let anyone duct tape my feet or knees together while my wrists were bound," she said.

"Did you learn how to get out of it?" Lester asked with a huge smile.

"No. He eventually cut me out of it after I quit crying," Heather said, still clearly miffed at the whole experience.

At this point, I really wanted to say something. I knew how to get out of duct tape when my knees and ankles were bound, but I knew no one would hear me much less see me. Lester was in the room and he was 'on' and 'working his mojo' as sincerely as he knew how. He looked like he has struck gold and he knew it.

"Really? And you. It's Jane right?" Lester asked.

"I wasn't duct taped. Bobby was using me as a practice dummy for knot tying. The boys tied me to a chair and just left me there," Jane said. She, too, had obviously not forgotten the experience.

"Sounds like what happened to me," I said, remembering my experience at the bed and breakfast during my Boy Scout camping weekend.

Evidently, I was still mute. No one seemed to hear me. I wondered briefly if I kicked Lester if he'd see or hear me; probably not with these lovelies in the room. Lester addressed the three young women, "That must have been awful for you. Did he show you how to get out of the knots?" (double negative)

"No. Eventually one of the boys let me out of the chair because I needed to tinkle," she snorted.

"And you Bonnie," Lester said with an enormous smile, "tell me about your experience. Was it duct tape or ropes? Were you bound to a chair?"

"No. We had gone on a long hike and I was tired. I wanted to go back, but, noooo, Bobby decided I shouldn't be separated from the group. Of course, going back wasn't an option. He wanted the boys to finish the hike. It was like a 'push me – pull you' kind of a thing. I couldn't go any further forward because I was tired, but he wouldn't let me go back to the camp site because I might get lost," Bonnie said in a tired voice.

"So?" Lester asked.

"So. The man had the boys tie me to the god damned tree. He told me that they needed to practice knot tying, anyway. Before I knew it I was tied to the tree! Then ALL of the LEFT ME THERE for TWO HOURS! So much for not being separated from the group. I could have filed charges for kidnapping later, but I just didn't have the heart."

"Did he do anything 'nice' for you afterwards?" Lester asked trying to look concerned.

I could see through it, but I had already warned off from Lester, time and again, I had even been shown videos the guys took on various Ladies' Nights they used to study his techniques. They thought he was good, I knew he was amazing at what he did, but it also gave me the advantage of spotting his techniques so they couldn't be used against me.

"What do you mean nice?" she asked.

"Did he give you a foot or back rub? Did he massage your hands or feet? Did he help get rid of any of the rope burn?" Lester asked.

All of the women, including me, answered, "NO!"

"I am beginning to see a trend here," Lester said.

"Steph," Lester began, "would you mind getting some supplies from my apartment for the ladies?" Evidently, my invisibility was cured. "It will only take you a few minutes."

"Sure Lester." I said.

He found a small sheet of paper and wrote several things on it. Then, he handed me his apartment key.

"Everything you will need is together in the bottom of my closet," he said. "And, Steph?"

"Yeah?"

"Please make sure that you knock on the door before you come back in OK?"

"Sure thing, Les," I replied.

I didn't look at the list while I was in the elevator. I went to the fourth floor and got off and headed in the direction of Lester's apartment. I opened the door with his key, turned on the main light and went to the bedroom.

I'd never been in a room like it before. The man had two king sized beds pushed, and probably bolted, together. It looked like the wall was upholstered in pillows. Oh my god, it was an upholstered headboard that covered the entire wall, at least six feet high. This didn't include the more than one dozen pillows on the bed or the fake, I hope it was fake, fur blanket on his bed(s). Was that a stripper's pole in the corner of the room? I didn't even think people still mirrored walls…or, yikes, ceilings.

I found the walk-in closet, turned on the overhead light and started looking for the items.

1. 100 feet of nylon rope

2. Lubriderm body lotion for extra dry skin

3. 1 roll duct tape

4. 1 Swiss army knife

5. Feathers (assorted)

6. baby powder (large bottle)

7. peppermint oil

8. 6 chocolate Easter bunnies

9. 1 box chocolate covered marshmallow Easter eggs

10. 1 bag Jelly Bellies

11. 1 digital camera

12. extra memory card for camera

13. 1 dozen AA batteries

14. 3 bandanas

15. 1 bottle liquid soap

16. Shower curtain

17. 4 large bath towels

18. Easter Bunny Costume with Basket

I found a duffle bag near the closet door and began to fill it with his 'supplies'. When I finally got everything loaded several minutes later, I made my way back to the conference room. The door was shut, but I could hear voices coming from inside.

"Practice your hopping. You remember the Easter Bunny, right? Hop like you are the Easter Bunny," Lester was saying to someone.

Giggling ensued and the sounding of bodies bumping into walls. Jeesh, this could be really embarrassing.

"No, a slip knot is not used for your slips and underwear, although we can make slip knots in your underwear if you want."

Female laughter.

"No, the chocolate that is coming isn't for _you_ to eat, but I promise someone will be eating it, and we'll all be enjoying it."

Before I could handle hearing any more, I knocked on the door. Instantly the voices hushed.

"Lester, it's Steph. Can I come in now?" I asked the door.

"Just let us get decent again, Steph," Lester answered.

I started to open the door when he pulled it open for me. I would have stumbled, but the weight of the duffle bag was acting like a counterbalance.

"You got everything on the list?" he asked me.

"Yep," I said trying to make my way into the room. "What's with the candy? I mean Jelly Bellies?"

"Steph, as a committee of one, I have designated myself the Easter Bunny for these woeful women. I think the Easter Bunny should be able to 'deliver' in as many flavors as he possibly can. _Do you_ have any requests?" he asked me.

I just shook my head at him while I was trying to get my head around that image. No matter how much I shook it, I couldn't dislodge it.

"Beautiful, as much as I know you'd like you to stay, I think I should handle things from here on out," Lester said to me.

"If you feel that way about it, I'll go," I said. I didn't really want to know what all Lester was going to do with the girls and I didn't want to explain what I was going to learn to anybody else.

"Night ladies," I called into the room.

Before anyone could answer me, I was shooed out the door and Lester's voice could be heard.

"Ladies, I think it is time I took you to a special place. The Rascally Rabbit Hutch down I-95 has a special reservation, just for us."

Oh God. I tried to walk faster down the hallway when I ran, literally, into Bobby.

"Steph, is the meeting still going on? How did it go? Did you learn anything?" Bobby asked.

"Bobby," I said as I took his arm in mine leading him down the hall toward the elevator, "we need to talk."

****

TBC?


	10. One of Lester's Favorite Pick Up Lines

Disclaimer: Lester only visits when he wants to and then sends a bill afterwards for his services

Disclaimer: Lester only visits when he wants to and then sends a bill afterwards for his services. He'll tell you all that if you want the best, the price you pay is worth it. Quality is number three in his book. If you ask him nicely he'll tell you what number two is and if you are naughty he'll show you number one.

One of Lester's Favorite Pick Up Lines

As told to Alfonsina

I was alone in my apartment, trying to get into the mood. It was Thursday, Ladies' Night at Charlie's New Chili. I hadn't been to Ladies' Night in what felt like forever, probably two weeks. I was losing my golden touch.

I'd only had three dates this week and only got lucky once.

A slump, at least according to my stats, a slump. I could get into the sack more than 80 - 90 of the time and this week I was only 33. It'd be a great score if I were in baseball, but damn it this is Sex and I'm Lester G. Santos. This level of play was not only beneath my level, but it was intolerable.

To get the best results, I was going to have to take the time to set the mood and the attitude. Neither would be hard to achieve, all I had to do was put on the stereo and get my hair dry from the shower. I already smelled good and looked even better.

Cue music:

/watch?vka8mynAvTTY

Cue flashing lights, pulsing to the beat of the dance music.

My brother, Timmy, was a DJ at Charlies'. I'd trained him in his skills as a ladies' man and as a result, he let me know which nights were the best at his club to get the 'easy pickings'. I was in a drought and it was time to quench my parched body, it was going to call for drastic measures.

Timmy called about 10:30 that there was a sweet looking honey, apparently unattached dancing in the corner by herself. He told me I had about 30 minutes to get there before she took off, alone. Wouldn't that be a waste for her? He told me I should help her out. Good Samaritan that I am, I decided that I would do exactly that.

I rolled into the club, nodded to Timmy and made my way over to Wayne the bartender for the usual. My usual was club soda with a twist, but no one else ever needed to know that. Ranger could be a real bitch to deal with when I was hung over, so why invite a hassle?

Timmy nodded in the direction of an angel dancing by herself in the corner. She was a blonde wearing incredibly high heels without stockings and from the silhouette of the dress I could tell she either hand on a thong or she was commando.

God, let her be commando, please.

She was nursing a drink, staring at the dance floor, wiggling in place. I angled my way over to 'angel' and said the first thing that came to mind.

"Can I flirt with you?" I asked her.

"What?" she said.

"I asked you if I can flirt with you. I don't get out much and my flirting skills are seriously lagging. Besides, I'm here and you're here, that's all that matters in flirting, right?"

"I guess," she said looking at me like she had no idea what was going on, and she probably didn't; at least not initially.

I started to edge over to the dance floor. Just a couple of steps at a time, so she wouldn't say no to a dance. We danced a couple of songs, just to make sure there was enough chemistry and rhythm, there was.

At the end of the second song, I said, "By the way, I'm Lester. I don't think I caught your name."

"Theresa, nice to meet you Lester. And for the record, if you want the same thing I do, then we're in the wrong place," she said with a most evil grin on her face.

Slump over!


	11. Why Safe Sex is Life Firearm Safety

Disclaimer: I worked in the USO in San Diego in college

Disclaimer: I worked in the USO in San Diego in college. San Diego had oodles of marines and sailors that talked and acted like this; I was privy to way too many conversations like this because I was considered to be one of the guys. Here's hoping 'real men' are a little better than these guys are.

Why Safe Sex is Life Firearm Safety

By Lester Santos as told to Alfonsina

"Anybody else want a beer while I'm up?" I called over my shoulder.

Zip, Zero, Caesar and I got back from a takedown early tonight and decided to play some cards at my place. Problem was, we were between paychecks and nobody had any spare cash. There was a new dancer at Dominoes' and somehow she kept making our money evaporate while her clothes disappeared. The woman was magic. She could even make her pasties twirl in opposite directions at the same time.

I'd called Bobby to join us, he had late shift and needed to shoot a couple of hours before he went on graveyard shift anyway.

"Yeah man, I'll take one while you're up," Zip said.

"Pass," Zero said.

"Got any water in there?" Caesar asked.

So I came back to the table where we were trying to play cards. We were doing the whole Stephanie Plum Week in Reviewng. It was a regular Friday night thing with us, we all tried to get a better Stephanie story than the next guy.

Usually it was about who'd been with her on the latest disaster, those conversations were fun sober or straight. This week she'd come into the lunchroom pissed off at Morelli and declared that cucumbers were better than men. Not only had she declared it, but she made this declaration in front of the entire office. Somehow she'd missed the memo that it was Erik's birthday lunch in the break room that day.

Just because she caught Morelli in the bed with a blonde meant nothing. She must've been the maid at the hotel down the street. He was staying there until the paint was dry in his bathroom. It should have been obvious she was the maid based on her little black lace outfit, fishnets and high heels. She was making sure everything in the room was clean and was starting with the sheets; hey it was an excuse I'd used in the past and gotten away with using.

After about the fourth beer, we forgot about the cards and decided it was much more fun to shoot the shit and talk about sex. No surprise there. We were all currently single, sort of. I mean I had Shirley, Melinda and Annie but I wasn't serious with any of them, and none of them were in my bed tonight.

I chose the specific sex topic: having safe sex was kind of like following the National Rifle Association's rules for firearm safety. Sure the rules were effective and kept people safe, but if you applied it to yourself and your sex life, it made you feel kind of like you ought to be married; the rules took all the fun out of things.

"OK, so who remembers 'rule number one' of fire arm safety?" I asked. I knew what it was but I wanted to know if these yahoos still remembered it.

"Well we know we're supposed to think all guns are always loaded all the time," Zip said. "Aren't we supposed to apply this to women?"

"Sure, I can do that. . But loaded women that doesn't mean women who are looking for a good time have any money," Zero slurred, "or that they're drunk."

"It means that you've always got to assume they're fertile," Caesar said. "and you're never out of the potential daddy zone."

"That's something I should probably work on," I said. Looking at my child support payments, I probably should've assumed that the last two women I was with were fertile and insisted on the condom, shit. DNA testing was soon to be in my future. If they'd sleep with me, they'd probably sleep with someone else, right?

Bobby pulled up the NRA website and found the official rules and read the infamous rule number one to us:

"Rule #1. ALWAYS keep the gun pointed in a safe direction. This is the primary rule of gun safety. A safe direction means that the gun is pointed so that even if it were to go off it would not cause injury or damage. The key to this rule is to control where the muzzle or front end of the barrel is pointed at all times."

"Cool, that means just keep it in your pants as long as you can," Zero slurred.

"Nah, man. It means make sure you know where you are aiming it when you get to use it. You know, make sure she's really a SHE before you whip it out of your pants," Caesar said. "Unless you are into that kind of a thing, I guess."

That'd only happened to me once, but I wasn't going to admit it one of them unless they admitted it first, that would be a secret I'd keep to myself.

"Nah, it means not pointing it at the first blonde with big tits who's had too much to drink, even if you think you've got a chance to take her home and shag her rotten," Zip slurred. "You should always know her name and have enough cash to get her a cab home after you are done."

"Who think's they know the second rule?" Bobby asked. He was smiling a little too big, probably because he would be the only one to remember this conversation in the morning and he'd have ammunition on us, no pun intended, for months. Hell he'd probably be able to keep most of the conversation a secret forever and just use bits and pieces of it when he needed a favor and blackmail was his best chance to get it.

"I know this one," I said, "pre-mature ejaculation isn't a good thing. Don't let her get you worked up to the point you've got a hair trigger. Of course it's never happened to me."

"Nope. It's never happened to me. In fact I've never heard of it happening before," someone said.

"Me either," said another voice.

"Close enough guys," Bobby said and then he read the rule, "Rule number two. ALWAYS keep your finger off the trigger until ready to shoot.When holding a gun, rest your finger on the trigger guard or along the side of the gun. Until you are actually ready to fire, do not touch the trigger."

Zero said, "I guess this really means that I should have planned to keep my peter in my pants more often. A properly holstered weapon is very difficult to make fire; at least if the man is over 25 and has gotten some in at least the last month or so. My fuse is shorter, I've got to get some relief at least once a week, but this isn't really about me, is it?"

"Ah man, too much information," Caesar said. "Do we need to keep that a secret now that we know it? I mean Zip is like the mouth of God and he'll tell everyone."

"I do not. Anyway, this whole thing is getting girlie. Let's talk about that stripper's jugs," Zip said.

"Well, you know they were just how I like 'em," I said.

"You like overly big, fake boobs that don't move?" Zero asked. "Man I think more than a mouthful is a waste."

"Nah, you don't know how to live, bigger is always better," I said.

"I'll be sure to tell Shirley you said that in the morning," Bobby said.

"She'll kill me," I said. "Or else she'll make me pay for her boob job." I really couldn't afford to pay for another set right now. I still owed the plastic surgeon on the last two sets. Thank god he had his own financing available and I was such a good client I got special pricing.

"Anybody know rule number three?" Bobby asked.

We greeted Bobby with drunken silence so he read it to us.

"Rule number three. ALWAYS keep the gun unloaded until ready to use. Whenever you pick up a gun, immediately engage the safety device if possible, and, if the gun has a magazine, remove it before opening the action and looking into the chamber(s) which should be clear of ammunition. If you do not know how to open the action or inspect the chamber(s), leave the gun alone and get help from someone who does."

"Man, that's my favorite rule, because I keep condoms everywhere. Then again that makes my gun always ready to use," Caesar said, "and it's always loaded."

"I think none of us are good at that rule," Zero said. "I mean we're all still in our prime and it's kind of tough to keep it unloaded. But it's usually not hard to find someone to help us 'engage the safety device'."

"True," I agreed.

"Man this is a downer," Zip said. "I really wish we'd gone someplace other than Dominoes' tonight. She so wasn't worth that much cash."

"Yeah, but one of us will probably pay for a lapdance with her next week," Caesar said. "That woman can gyrate, she was probably a belly dancer in her past life."

"Man, why don't you ever go?" I asked Bobby.

"Because I'd rather keep my money in my wallet and know who I'm spending time with. You guys are a bunch of man whores. I have more respect for women than the three of you put together."

"Yeah, but you haven't been laid in forever," I said.

"It's not like it'll fall off for lack of use," Bobby said.

"Sure about that. I've heard that if you don't…." Zip said.

"Showing your lack of brains again," Zero said.

"Got it, sorry," Zip said.

"Actually, he's talking about the rules for gun storage," Bobby said.

Huh?

"A gun brought out of prolonged storage should also be cleaned before shooting. Accumulated moisture and dirt, or solidified grease and oil, can prevent the gun from operating properly," Bobby read. "You guys are probably all in need of getting checked for STDs again."

Probably true.

"What about cleaning it before you put it away?" Caesar asked.

"Applies to both guns and you or didn't you ever have sex ed in school?" Bobby asked. Then he read, "Cleaning. Regular cleaning is important in order for your gun to operate correctly and safely. Taking proper care of it will also maintain its value and extend its life. Your gun should be cleaned every time that it is used. Be sure the gun is safe to operate. Just like other tools, guns need regular maintenance to remain operable. Regular cleaning and proper storage are a part of the gun's general upkeep. If there is any question concerning a gun's ability to function, a knowledgeable gunsmith should look at it."

"Forget I said anything."

"No problem."

Zip stood over Bobby's shoulder and read to the group, "Store guns so they are not accessible to unauthorized persons."

"Who do you consider unauthorized?" I asked.

"Please," Bobby said.

Pretty much anyone who was single, healthy looking with a nice rack I might consider giving authorization, but since the killjoy was in the room I wasn't about to say that outloud.

Caesar joined Zip standing behind Bobby and said, "This one is kind of a favorite, especially when you need ear protection.Wear eye and ear protection as appropriate. Guns are loud and the noise can cause hearing damage."

"Most of the time I only need eye protection the morning after," Zero mumbled.

"Means you shouldn't drink so hard the night before," Bobby said.

Hey, I knew for a fact that he'd had his fair share of bad mornings after. He just didn't want to admit it in front of any of us.


	12. Lester's Bedtime Stories

Disclaimer: Alfkat Productions owns nothing. We make no money. We are occasionally invited to play with the lovely Mr. Santos, but we return him unharmed and unmarked...mostly.

_**Lester's Bedtime Stories**_

**As told to Bluzkat****  
Distributed by Alfkat Productions  
Published by Erin Enterprises, LLC**

"_Once upon a time in Trenton, there lived a handsome young prince who all the honeys fancied…"_

"Stop."

"What? I'm just getting started."

"I don't care if you start the book with 'once upon a time,' you can't re-issue How to Attract Women like Bees to Honey as a children's book. It's just not marketable."

"Yes, I can. It's all very tasteful," Lester said, sniffing indignantly.

Steph grabbed the book out of Lester's hand and leafed through to the story of 'Goldilocks and Prince Bear.' She read for a few minutes, shaking her head.

"See, this is what I'm talking about. Goldilocks did not test out the durability of the beds in the cottage by romping with the handsome, young Prince Lester Bear. First of all, the beds were empty when she tested them for firmness. Secondly, she fell asleep."

"Of course she slept. If you spent the night testing Lester Bear's firmness," he said, waggling his eyebrows, "you'd be tired, too."

Sigh.

"Oh, you're just mad that I didn't call it 'Princess Stephanie and the Sleeping Skip.'"

Lester grabbed the book back. "Listen, this is going to be a hit. You have to get to the lads early. Prepare them for the future. I see it as a mission, a calling. I'm like the Pope, spreading the message of love. I wouldn't be surprised if they canonized me. "

He scowled at Steph's guffaw. Come on – the Pope of Love? Even Ranger couldn't keep his blank face in place if he heard that.

Lester patted Stephanie on the back. Clearly, she was just overwhelmed by the beauty of his vision. He continued, undeterred.

"I can see it now, St. Lester. Men and boys will pray to me for guidance. I'll be like St. Christopher, helping them find their way around the honeys. I'm telling you, Bombshell, this is genius. Here, look at the ending."

He flipped to the last page and handed it back to Steph, pointing at a passage. "Pure gold, I'm telling you."

Steph consulted the paragraph in question. Sighing and shaking her head, again, she said, "Lester, baby, you know I love you…"

"Well, yeah, all the ladies…"

Steph cut off the inevitable diatribe that was sure to follow.

"…and it's because I love you, I don't want you to ruin your reputation as 'The Man, The Myth, The Legend,'" she said, appealing to his weak spot. "Seriously, ending the book – 'They all lived happily ever after, because the honeys are always happy after a good dose of Prince Lester.' – does not disguise the fact that it's a how-to book for children."

"Genius is so misunderstood," he said.


End file.
